Rianne’s update

Little Rianne attended her first day of school today! Even though it’s just play school, i’m feeling so excited for her already! Very soon, she is going to be making her first friends.. A whole new journey is awaiting for her.. I can already imagine her running around with her little school bag!

I can’t help but feel so touched. Seeing her progress and grow up since the day she is born.. Babies are simply amazing! Everyday she amazes us with something new. It’s like watching my own kid grow up. So heartwarming and nice..

Black Friday

Today is one of those days that work pissed me off big time. I lose my cool. And the worse part is being backstabbed. Shall not go into details since Friday is already over. I’m no longer upset. Least my day ended smooth. I am thankful, really.

It’s December again. The year is ending. On hindsight, I have been in construction for about 9 months already. I still find this unbelievable. I must say I have learnt a lot about working with different people, and working around situations.

Before I gain enough working experience, I am put into management level. Depending on how you look at it, it’s both a good and bad thing. Some people thinks that I’m having it easy. After all, i am the boss’ daughter. A lot of people do not treat me genuinely. Some people tries to bootlick. Some don’t give me a hoot. And it’s not like I don’t know what kind of criticisms are flying around. I am a greenhorn. It’s so easy for people to say – “用鸡毛当令箭”. (Using the chicken feathers as the commanding tool.) It jus means i do not have what it takes, but still want to be in command.

The unfortunate thing is that there is a certain truth to it. I am green. And it’s hard to gain respect from the elders. I do not blame them for thinking this way.

I am given the luxury of flexibility – e.g. the opportunity to drive out for lunch if I have no appointments, etc. But this does not mean I am in any way less busy than someone else. Every job has its commitments.It really does not mean that I am not taking my work seriously. I just don’t whine out loud about my pains.

It is easy for people to judge me from the surface. I am made the manager because my dad is the boss. I get a car not because I have the ability to afford one yet, but my family is more well-doing. It is easy to call me a spoilt brat or even good-for-nothing. It’s really ok. As long as my conscious is clear. I always tell myself.

But it still hurts when these arrows come stabbing behind your back, or right in your heart. I am, but human, after all. It hurts when people I dunno thinks that way. It hurts much more when people I am close to, judges me the same way too.

My time is as precious as yours. You are busy, so am I. Everyone has problems. Just deal with your problems diplomatically. Please don’t make your problem sound bigger than the universe, when a lot of times, it’s just your mind toying with your perception of reality. Use your brains before you shoot off your mouth.

Move on..

U’re too selfish for my own good. So i’ve decided to move on, move fast, move u out of my life.

Stop playing games with me. Stop toying with my heart.

Emotionally Unavailable

Was randomly pondering why I haven been able to get involve emotionally.. Seems like I am “emotionally unavailable”. Am I having an identity crisis?

At times it seems like only work is keeping me sane. Am I becoming depressed again? I can’t let myself slip down the downward spiral.. But i seem to have began struggling with myself. God please give me enough strength to paddle on.. God please give me wisdom to see the light.. God please give me courage to hold my head up high.

 

Time Whirl

Got home from yet another night of madness. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. My dark rings and eye bags freaked me out. Then all the other changes in my body became so apparent to me all of a sudden.

My skin is dehydrated and becoming more blemished than before.. Even my lips are cracked and they are taking forever to heal. My hair is in a mess, but thank God i’m going to get my fix tomorrow.. Then I realised I have a rather hideous tan. How do I become fairer in my line of work? I figured that’s mission impossible.

These physical changes are screaming out loud to me, age is really catching up.

My friday ended at 6am on Saturday. And my Saturday ended at 2am on Sunday. This is really not good. I am lacking the much needed sleep. I am depleting more energy on weekends than the working weekdays.. I don’t wanna count the amount of booze I’ve put into my body since last weekend. It’s time to relax and go easy on alcohol. With every drop of alcohol, I am 1 step nearer to the aesthetician’s clinic..

I’ve been contemplating a visit to the aesthetician. I need to fix the scarring on my face. It’s daunting my confidence a bit.. I never had really bad skin. So this is freaking me out. I began taking oral supplements for skin and hair. I hope it’s gonna improve the condition.

I never really thought aging would be an issue to me. I realise that, to age gracefully is not that simple after all.. I’m seeing the first signs of aging and i really don’t like it. Now i understand why there’s such a huge market for anti-aging products and services.

Old Skool Time~!

Caught up with Sangeetha after some years.. It’s always great to catch up with old friends. Those faded memories got relived. We remember how ‘creative’ we were at 14! Before we know, more than 10 years has past us.. I’m glad the playground is still there. Though a little embarrassing, we really should go back there again one day!!

 

The desserts at Marmalade Pantry never fails to cheer me up! Great desserts are the best way to end off a stressful work day.. And the great companionship is just like cherry toppings atop the world’s best dessert~!

 

Freedom of speech, no more..

Hmm… Suddenly I realise that, apart from my friends, colleagues, etc on my facebook, now I have my family and relatives. Even my young nephews and nieces are on facebook! This is not a good thing.

I have to cautious of those F words that I use.. I can’t bad mouth some irritating aunties.. And I better not disclose too much about family or relationship issues.. Or my phone will start ringing really soon.

It’s kinda scary to know your potential future employer is peeking into your account, counting how many stupid pokes u clocked, analysing u from the dumb games u play, and laughing out loud at pictures of you getting wasted at your house party!

Pray

Overwhelmed with emotions at this instance. No one to talk to at this hour. But it’s not like I can talk even if there’s someone listening. I just can’t.

All I can do is to hope that if i pray hard enough, my pain will be alleviated, my tears will run dry, my heart will stop aching.

At the end of it all, it’s my mind that’s toying with my soul. My very own hands stabbing myself. There’s no others than myself that I need to conquer.

The hateful part is to find myself walking round and round in circles. I am lost and dizzy. It felt like I’ve travelled a thousand miles. When I thought I found myself, i’m back at the very same spot I lost myself. How funny. What a joke.

It feels like I need to kill myself to stay alive. How should I go about doing it? Hurt till I can’t hurt no more? Give me more courage God.

I really wanna give it up. I really do. But it’s like a lethal toxic. All it takes is 0.01%, and it spreads like wild fire all over my body and soul.

Tears are weakened souls, like melted ice.. Please freeze my heart and soul. Let all emotions freeze. Let logic rule. Let me work day and night and day and night.

I hate this fucking wretched pain.

Taking the plunge

(No i don’t mean jumping off the building.)

Dad was scheduled to fly to Libya last nite. I was watching TV on the sofa while he takes his dinner, then zips off to shower and bring the luggage downstairs. Then before we sets off to the airport, he was telling me a string of things..

Really, tat’s very rare for my dad. He’s a man of few words usually. Then I realise perhaps age was catching up.

He handed me his cheque books and keys. Mumbled a few things about the office. Then he went on to tell me how to open the safe deposit box, and his shares, unit trust and policies were in there, etc.. But dad! U’re only gonna be away for 2 weeks.. That’s what I had in my head.

But it occurs to me that age is catching up on him and on myself. Mummy’s gone. There’s only that few of us left in this world tat we call family. I’m beginning to miss him already. Somehow dad is the anchor of my life. He keeps my feet firm on the ground, gives me courage to keep going on..

I’ve been thinking how the things I need to do. The things I want to do to improve myself, the goals I want to set, and the life that I want, and how i’m going to achieve it. I can’t be sitting around and crossing my fingers that my life falls in place nicely. The things we want in life, we need to achieve it. We have to put in effort to attain it.

I don’t wanna go into detail, but there’s something I did today, that’s very much a big plunge for myself. A bit of a gamble, and quite an amount of money invested. But tat’s not the point. The point is that I need to do something for myself.

I also realise it’s high time that I discipline myself. I begin to feel unwell these days again. You know there are some medications that i’m suppose to take on a daily basis, and I can forget to take them. Not one or two days, but 1 entire week.. This is really not good. I’ve put in quite a good amount of money on my tonics. I can’t let my health begin to suffer then start popping those pills and hope to get well. It’s the same for yoga classes. I better start going religiously, else i really shouldn’t even buy the package at all. No point to go today and keep away for the next 2 weeks. I need to get back to the pink of health!

” I’m leaving you for the last time baby
You think you’re loving but you don’t love me
I’ve been confused, out of my mind lately
You think you’re loving but you don’t love me
I want to be free, baby, you’ve hurt me

All the days spent together, I wished for better
But I didn’t want the train to come
Now it’s departed, I’am broken hearted
Seems like we never started…”