Time Whirl

Got home from yet another night of madness. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. My dark rings and eye bags freaked me out. Then all the other changes in my body became so apparent to me all of a sudden.

My skin is dehydrated and becoming more blemished than before.. Even my lips are cracked and they are taking forever to heal. My hair is in a mess, but thank God i’m going to get my fix tomorrow.. Then I realised I have a rather hideous tan. How do I become fairer in my line of work? I figured that’s mission impossible.

These physical changes are screaming out loud to me, age is really catching up.

My friday ended at 6am on Saturday. And my Saturday ended at 2am on Sunday. This is really not good. I am lacking the much needed sleep. I am depleting more energy on weekends than the working weekdays.. I don’t wanna count the amount of booze I’ve put into my body since last weekend. It’s time to relax and go easy on alcohol. With every drop of alcohol, I am 1 step nearer to the aesthetician’s clinic..

I’ve been contemplating a visit to the aesthetician. I need to fix the scarring on my face. It’s daunting my confidence a bit.. I never had really bad skin. So this is freaking me out. I began taking oral supplements for skin and hair. I hope it’s gonna improve the condition.

I never really thought aging would be an issue to me. I realise that, to age gracefully is not that simple after all.. I’m seeing the first signs of aging and i really don’t like it. Now i understand why there’s such a huge market for anti-aging products and services.

Old Skool Time~!

Caught up with Sangeetha after some years.. It’s always great to catch up with old friends. Those faded memories got relived. We remember how ‘creative’ we were at 14! Before we know, more than 10 years has past us.. I’m glad the playground is still there. Though a little embarrassing, we really should go back there again one day!!

 

The desserts at Marmalade Pantry never fails to cheer me up! Great desserts are the best way to end off a stressful work day.. And the great companionship is just like cherry toppings atop the world’s best dessert~!

 

Freedom of speech, no more..

Hmm… Suddenly I realise that, apart from my friends, colleagues, etc on my facebook, now I have my family and relatives. Even my young nephews and nieces are on facebook! This is not a good thing.

I have to cautious of those F words that I use.. I can’t bad mouth some irritating aunties.. And I better not disclose too much about family or relationship issues.. Or my phone will start ringing really soon.

It’s kinda scary to know your potential future employer is peeking into your account, counting how many stupid pokes u clocked, analysing u from the dumb games u play, and laughing out loud at pictures of you getting wasted at your house party!

Pray

Overwhelmed with emotions at this instance. No one to talk to at this hour. But it’s not like I can talk even if there’s someone listening. I just can’t.

All I can do is to hope that if i pray hard enough, my pain will be alleviated, my tears will run dry, my heart will stop aching.

At the end of it all, it’s my mind that’s toying with my soul. My very own hands stabbing myself. There’s no others than myself that I need to conquer.

The hateful part is to find myself walking round and round in circles. I am lost and dizzy. It felt like I’ve travelled a thousand miles. When I thought I found myself, i’m back at the very same spot I lost myself. How funny. What a joke.

It feels like I need to kill myself to stay alive. How should I go about doing it? Hurt till I can’t hurt no more? Give me more courage God.

I really wanna give it up. I really do. But it’s like a lethal toxic. All it takes is 0.01%, and it spreads like wild fire all over my body and soul.

Tears are weakened souls, like melted ice.. Please freeze my heart and soul. Let all emotions freeze. Let logic rule. Let me work day and night and day and night.

I hate this fucking wretched pain.

Taking the plunge

(No i don’t mean jumping off the building.)

Dad was scheduled to fly to Libya last nite. I was watching TV on the sofa while he takes his dinner, then zips off to shower and bring the luggage downstairs. Then before we sets off to the airport, he was telling me a string of things..

Really, tat’s very rare for my dad. He’s a man of few words usually. Then I realise perhaps age was catching up.

He handed me his cheque books and keys. Mumbled a few things about the office. Then he went on to tell me how to open the safe deposit box, and his shares, unit trust and policies were in there, etc.. But dad! U’re only gonna be away for 2 weeks.. That’s what I had in my head.

But it occurs to me that age is catching up on him and on myself. Mummy’s gone. There’s only that few of us left in this world tat we call family. I’m beginning to miss him already. Somehow dad is the anchor of my life. He keeps my feet firm on the ground, gives me courage to keep going on..

I’ve been thinking how the things I need to do. The things I want to do to improve myself, the goals I want to set, and the life that I want, and how i’m going to achieve it. I can’t be sitting around and crossing my fingers that my life falls in place nicely. The things we want in life, we need to achieve it. We have to put in effort to attain it.

I don’t wanna go into detail, but there’s something I did today, that’s very much a big plunge for myself. A bit of a gamble, and quite an amount of money invested. But tat’s not the point. The point is that I need to do something for myself.

I also realise it’s high time that I discipline myself. I begin to feel unwell these days again. You know there are some medications that i’m suppose to take on a daily basis, and I can forget to take them. Not one or two days, but 1 entire week.. This is really not good. I’ve put in quite a good amount of money on my tonics. I can’t let my health begin to suffer then start popping those pills and hope to get well. It’s the same for yoga classes. I better start going religiously, else i really shouldn’t even buy the package at all. No point to go today and keep away for the next 2 weeks. I need to get back to the pink of health!

” I’m leaving you for the last time baby
You think you’re loving but you don’t love me
I’ve been confused, out of my mind lately
You think you’re loving but you don’t love me
I want to be free, baby, you’ve hurt me

All the days spent together, I wished for better
But I didn’t want the train to come
Now it’s departed, I’am broken hearted
Seems like we never started…”

Heartache

The TV was on. A scene on screen caught my attention. Actress was reading the newspaper to a comatose patient.

Really, the scene stabbed my heart and I felt it bleed.. It wasn’t because it reminded me of mum. It was because I wonder, why didn’t tat cross my mind when she was around.. Why?

My train of random thoughts

Today I found my mind running and running. A lot of random thoughts crossed my mind.

I need change - I need some changes in my life. It’s getting so mundane.. I wake up in the morning, I hunt for my breakfast. Either I drive to the petrol kiosk, or I buy coffee from coffee shop below my office. Then before I get down to serious stuff, it’s almost lunch.. Every night it’s either I have a simple dinner with dad, or i’ll meet some friends.. Then home sweet home.. Shower.. Sits in front of laptop.. Then I collapse in bed. Next thing I know, the alarm clock is ringing again… Pathetic life of a typical singaporean.

I want to go on a detox retreat - I need to detox. SERIOUSLY. Eating out every day feels like I am loading myself with junk food, chemicals, food additives and artificial flavourings.. It’s like suicide on slow motion. It’s so hard to eat well, and not burn a hole in the pocket..

I’ve been thinking for the longest time, to visit the Absolute Sanctuary in Koh Samui.. Perhaps I’ll take a trip myself at the end of the year, if i cant find any travel kaki..

I want to travel with my buddies – I really miss our Bintan trip!! We always have so much fun.. I miss laughing heartily.. I miss eating and drinking till we drop~! I hope we can take a short trip again together.. Anywhere nearby can do too~!!

Halloween – Elaine n I have ordered our Halloween costumes!! WE ARE GOING TO HALLOWEEN PARTY~!!! I can’t wait.. This is 1 of those things that I want to do, just once in my life.. Just let your hair down, and have fun~!

My room deserves a facelift – I think my room is quite sad looking now. It’s messy.. It’s filled with junk like shoe boxes and probably 10000 paperbags in a corner.. The light is dim. The chair is falling apart..

I want to get a new desk with some storage system.. I want to either paint my wardrobe or stick vinyls over them. I need a new chest of drawers. I want to do up my balcony. I want to plant some pretty flowers, have some planter box, and maybe even a porch swing! Then my friends can come over for a booze.. We can chat under the stars, sit on the swing.. Or even bbq at the balcony~! I really shld do some planning…

I need to widen my social life – I need to make more friends and get to know more people and widen my social circle. How to go about doing that? Im actually not thinking too hard abt this yet.. I shall get my life in order and do the things I wanna do first.. Perhaps when i recharge the energy in my life, i’ll have more energy to go out and meet people~!

I shall sleep early tonight. i’m gonna finish this sentence and shut down the lappy, then zoom downstairs to grab a bottle of ice cold beer, down it, brush my teeth, knock out on bed. That actually sounds like it’ll be 12 midnight by then. Lolz.. It’s not so early afterall….

Life

Life has proven to be very short. Sometimes it’s too short. Sometimes life ends abruptly.

My cousin’s life ended abruptly last saturday. She was in her early forties and left behind 2 young daughters.

Life is really too short. Don’t complain about your spouse/loved ones for not spending enough time or not giving enough attention to you. Appreciate the fact that your paths ever crossed in this lifetime.

Appreciate everyone’s presence. Appreciate the trials of life. Say thank you for the littlest thing..

I wonder what my thoughts would be in the final moments of my life.. I would imagine them to be of my dearest family, my closest friends and those I loved.. And maybe those who have departed. Perhaps I’ll see them very soon..

Life is too short to be harping on the trivial stuffs.. See the big picture, and live life heartily. Be happy.. Eat well.. Sleep tight.. Love wholeheartedly..

Thank God for eyes that open to see the sun rises.
Thank God for ears that hear the birds’ chirping.
Thank God for nose to smell the morning freshness.
Thank God for taste bud to savour your lovely food.
Thank God for your sense of touch, to have your loved one in your arms, even before you open your eyes….

Life is beautiful and precious.. It’s just a choice away.

As time goes by, some memories fade. I kept wondering if there’ll be one day that I forget the bits and pieces of mum.. Will I erase her from my memory one day? It scares me.. It really scares me..